Relationships: Why You Keep Arguing Over ‘Nothing’ (and How to Break the Infinity Loop)
Do you ever feel like you and your partner are fighting about nothing, but it somehow quickly turns into everything?
It might start with a small comment, a look, or a missed message. Within minutes you’re both upset and wondering how it escalated so fast. One of you withdraws, the other chases. Someone shuts down, someone keeps talking. You end up hurt, exhausted, and disconnected, thinking:
“Why are we always arguing about the same things?”
“Why does it feel like we’re going in circles?”
This repeating pattern is what I talk about in sessions as the infinity loop. It’s the emotional cycle couples fall into when they try to feel safe or heard but end up triggering each other instead. In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we understand these loops as protection patterns, our nervous system’s way of coping when we sense disconnection.
For neurodivergent couples, these loops can feel even more confusing or intense. When communication styles, sensory needs, or rejection sensitivity are different, even small moments can feel like emotional earthquakes. The result is a cycle that keeps you both stuck, even though you love each other deeply.
This article draws on principles from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a well-researched approach to understanding and healing relationship dynamics. If you’d like to explore the topic further, Hold Me Tight the book by Dr Sue Johnson is a great resource for learning how these patterns play out in everyday relationships.
What Is the Infinity Loop in Relationships?
Imagine your relationship as a sideways figure eight: two halves endlessly feeding into one another. Each side represents one partner’s instinctive way of coping with stress or emotional uncertainty (protective patterns that developed long ago and may not necessarily be helpful now).
For example:
→ One partner feels anxious about distance and tries to reconnect by talking, asking questions, criticising or seeking reassurance.
→ The other feels overwhelmed or criticised and steps back to calm down.
→ The more one reaches out, the more the other retreats.
→ The more the other retreats, the more anxious the first person feels.
Both are trying to protect the relationship using their default coping skills, but the pattern keeps looping back to the same painful place with both partners feeling alone, disconnected and over time more hopeless that they can change things.
Common Relationship Patterns
When couples feel disconnected or misunderstood, they often fall into familiar emotional loops. We might describe these as patterns of reach and retreat. These are automatic reactions that start as protection but end up creating distance.
Reach and Retreat Pattern: One partner reaches out for closeness, reassurance, or answers. The other feels overwhelmed, criticised, or unsure how to respond and retreats to self-regulate. The more one reaches, the more the other retreats. Both end up feeling unheard and rejected.
Reactive Reach Pattern (or Attack/Attack or Attack/Defend): One or both partners reach for connection through intensity. This can sound like criticism, urgency, anger, repeated questions, or “pushing to talk right now.” The other partner responds by defending, explaining, arguing, or matching that intensity. On the surface it can look like fighting or being “too much,” but underneath both people are saying, “I need you to hear me and not leave me in this.” No one feels safe enough to soften, so both stay activated.
Mutual Retreat Pattern: Both partners pull away at the same time to avoid further tension. Things seem calm on the outside, but important things stop being talked about. Resentment and loneliness build quietly, and over time the relationship can start to feel like flatness rather than conflict.
These reach and retreat patterns are not proof that the relationship is broken. They are nervous system strategies for protection and connection. The problem is that the way one person protects themselves often triggers the other person’s fear, which keeps both partners stuck in a repeating loop of disconnection.
Why Relationship Patterns Form
According to Emotionally Focused Therapy, all couples fall into protective patterns when their bond feels threatened. These patterns aren’t random, they form because our nervous systems are wired for connection and safety. When something feels emotionally off, we instinctively move into one of two modes: reach (to restore closeness) or retreat (to stay safe). Each person’s reaction shapes the other’s, creating a repeating loop of misunderstanding and protection.
These patterns often become more visible after the ‘limerence’ (often better known as the honeymoon phase) phase of a relationship fades. In the early months, we’re fuelled by chemistry, novelty, and idealisation, the relationship is still more of an 'idea’ or vision than a real reality so it’s not quite as threatening to our deeper emotional fears. But as the relationship deepens into attachment, our nervous systems begin to recognise the other person as emotionally significant. That’s when old coping strategies, fears, and unhealed attachment wounds start to resurface, especially around being seen, accepted, or loved for who we are.
For neurodivergent couples, these dynamics can feel even more intense or confusing. Differences in communication, sensory processing, and emotional regulation can magnify everyday misunderstandings. One partner may process emotion through words, while the other needs quiet to think. Rejection sensitivity can make small moments of tension feel deeply personal. Sensory or cognitive overload might lead to shutdowns that are mistaken for indifference.
None of this means something is wrong with the relationship, it means your nervous systems are trying to protect you both. The challenge is that your individual protection strategies often collide, creating the very disconnection you’re trying to avoid. Recognising this is the first step toward changing the pattern and rebuilding emotional safety together.
How Relationship Loops Can Get Stronger Over Time
The more the infinity loop repeats, the faster it activates. You start to anticipate the argument before it happens. You might stop sharing honestly, brace for tension, or avoid important topics altogether. Emotional distance grows, and both partners feel unseen or unappreciated.
You might begin to believe stories like:
“I’m too much.”
“They don’t care about me.”
“We’re just not on the same page.”
But these thoughts come from disconnection, not truth. The loop is the real problem - not you, and not your partner.
How to Recognise and Name the Infinity Loop
The first step in breaking a relationship pattern is learning to see it. When you name the loop, you shift from “you versus me” to “us versus the pattern.” Some couples call it “our infinity loop,” “the reach-and-retreat cycle,” or “that spiral we get stuck in.” Once it has a name, you can catch it in real time and start responding differently.
Five Practical Steps to Break the Loop
Pause and notice.
When tension rises, take a breath and say, “I think we’re getting stuck in our loop.” Awareness interrupts automatic reactions.Identify your side.
Are you the one who reaches out or the one who retreats? Both roles make sense. Understanding your instinct is the first step to changing it.Speak from emotion, not accusation.
Replace “You never listen” with “I’m feeling alone right now and need some reassurance.” It’s softer, clearer, and easier for your partner to hear.Respect regulation needs.
Some people calm down through space, others through connection. Both are valid. Communicate what helps you come back to balance.Repair the disconnection.
Every couple loops sometimes. The key is how quickly you reconnect: “I got overwhelmed and shut down, but I care about you and want to try again.”
Why This Matters for Neurodivergent Couples
Neurodivergent relationships often have heightened emotional and sensory dynamics. Visual tools, written scripts, or drawing out your infinity loop together can make invisible patterns visible. This helps both partners stay grounded in compassion instead of confusion and overwhelm. Understanding how your brains and bodies respond differently can turn conflict into deeper connection.
The Takeaway
The infinity loop is not a sign that your relationship is broken, it’s a sign that both of you are trying to feel safe, just in different ways. The goal isn’t to never argue; it’s to make the loop safe enough that you can find your way back to each other faster. Once your attachment system experiences that even if you experience conflict or disconnection you will repair and find your way back to connection, suddenly the protective responses kick in less and less, as interactions feel emotionally safer.
If you’re tired of repeating the same patterns and want to understand how to change them, therapy can help you break the loop. Through self-awareness, emotional regulation, and communication strategies, you can shift the dynamic and create calmer, more connected relationships.
You can learn more or book a session here.
